We get it – this Coronavirus Pandemic is the worst thing that ever happened. Millions of people infected with a new and scary virus, millions of dead and counting. Long term health issues that researchers are still getting their heads around. The list goes on. Then there’s the economic and social hits – businesses going broke, unemployment, no more holidays to Bali, a global recession that’ll probably become a depression.
You don’t have to tell me. I’m a comedian – my job relies on jamming crowds of people into small spaces so they can drink and laugh. Yeah that’s right – laugh. Forcefully expel gusts of air from their virus filled lungs into a room full of strangers who also laughing and breathing deeply. Sounds like the ideal entertainment for the times.
That’s why it’s important to focus on the positives. Sure there’s a Pandemic, but it’s not all bad. Yeah you’ll miss your grandparents and your parents when they’re gone, but if they shuffle off a few years earlier than expected, you’re also cashing in that inheritance sooner than planned. You know what I’m saying – you can have parents, or you can have an inheritance, but you can’t have both, so just enjoy your new swimming pool.
We don’t have to shake hands anymore. ‘Firm grip, look em in the eyes, let em know you mean it’ – I can still remember the drill from my Uncles. ‘You can tell a lot about someone by their handshake’. Even though I was raised to be a hand-shaker I’m not going to miss it. Someone coming at you acting like they’re carrying an industrial hand-crushing machine on the end of their arm. Too firm a grip, added squeeze, triple pump with an elbow grab, ‘yeah nice to meet you’. Or even worse, limply dropping a wet fish into your palm and expecting you to do all the work. Or taking a regular hand-shake and twisting it up into a bro-shake like somewhere along the line we’ve shared a near death experience. I’m not going to miss any of that. Thanks to the Pandemic if you see someone coming in hot for a handshake you can just raise your hands in surrender, ‘sorry mate, nice to meet you but, you know’. You can bow, nod, raise your eyebrows, even curtsy if you like, just don’t touch me.
Supermarkets have trolley-wipes now. That’s a positive. Have you seen some of the people that shop in supermarkets – they’re gross! I’ve seen a couple shopping and eating a BBQ chicken while they walk the aisles. You’re shopping, it’s not a picnic. Why didn’t we have trolley wipes the whole time? Have you seen the people who collect the trolleys from the carparks? Surely the first clue we needed trolley wipes was the job interview. “So tell me Kyle, where do you see yourself in five years? Kyle sits there staring, mouth open for a few seconds, processes the question then answers “I reckon I’ll still be pushing trolleys”. Right then is when a smart manager should have thought about setting up a trolley wipe station.
What about the bloke who got the contract to supply the point of sale Perspex screens to Coles? No one is talking about him amongst all the doom and gloom. 12 months ago he was running a struggling plastic fabrication business, hardly even making ends meet. His wife wanted him to sell up and try something else. “Get a Jim’s Mowing franchise” she said. But he had a dream and he stuck to his guns. Someone eats a bat in Wuhan and now he owns a yacht. You won’t hear that story in the fear-mongering main stream media.